[DO NOT READ if you are offended by the “F” word]
OK, fine, I stole the title of this post from Billy Bob Thornton’s Character “Billy McBride” in Goliath. He uses a similar line when he tells a convicted criminal who was caught red-handed and was going to be going to jail for a LOOONG time; “I’m not your fucking lawyer and even if I were, I’m not a magician.”
That’s the feeling I get 20 or 30 times a day when people don’t plan ahead, are surprised they can’t find a cheap price for the trip they need to go on, finally resort to asking me if I have anything better for them (after it’s far too late to do anything), and then send me a “fuck off” or “what good are you then” reply when I tell them I’m not able to help them, but can certainly help them plan ahead for their next trip after that.
What I tell them:
“I’m very sorry. We’re not a travel agency, and this late in the game, we couldn’t find anything better than what you’ve already found yourself online. (Even if we could, we’d have to add fees to get paid for our time – which would increase the cost of your already expensive trip, not decrease it, so I’d advise being as flexible as possible and just booking online.)
If you want to save 50% to 98% every time you travel, it takes a minimum of several months of advance planning and a little bit of creativity and flexibility. If you’d like to start consistently saving that much on the trip after this upcoming one, The JGOOT Way of travel virtually guarantees you’ll never have to pay full price for travel again. You can become a member of our premium trip-alert service here.“
I rarely hear back from them because I didn’t have an immediate solution to their problem.
What I WANT to tell them:
- Get yourself a time machine and set it for 4 months ago (6 or 8 months would be better). Read the fucking free info I give you via email, my blog, my Youtube Channel – and apply it. Don’t ignore the advice just because it’s free. It fucking works. All you have to do is apply it.
- Don’t want to put that work in? Join our premium membership and start watching the mistake fares we send you every day. It starts at a whopping $8/month, and if you’re flexible on when/where you want to go – you’re GUARANTEED to book a cheaper trip than just about anyone who flies on that exact same fucking plane as you. (I know. I know. You’ve got thousands of questions. Dude… Let’s not over-analyze this. We’re talking about an $8/month subscription.)
- For any trips where you don’t have flexibility (including the one you just asked about), join the private 1800 member point-hacking group I’ll invite you to the day you sign up. Follow the advice, ask a few questions of others already traveling this way, and spend about an hour getting 50,000 to 100,000 frequent flyer points. You’ll be GUARANTEED to fly anywhere you want for pennies on the dollar. Literally. (But don’t put this off. Start right away. Although it only takes about an hour of work, it can take 3 or 4 months before your points will be available for use. I’m literally hopping on a flight that should have been over $400 – for $11 tomorrow. It works, and there is no excuse for not doing it.)
Don’t have a time machine? Damn…
Well, you know what they say about the best time to plant a tree…
I’ve got to
- Send the above template response to 4 more people who can’t find cheap prices for the trip they’re going on.
- Pack my bags so I can hop on an $11 flight to a family reunion that most of the other people on the same fucking plane are paying $300 to $500 for.