OK, fine, I stole the title of this post from Billy Bob Thornton’s Character “Billy McBride” in Goliath. He uses a similar line when he tells a convicted criminal who was caught red-handed and was going to be going to jail for a LOOONG time; “I’m not your fucking lawyer and even if I were, I’m not a magician.”

That’s the feeling I get 20 or 30 times a day when people have been free subscribers for months (or years) and resort to asking me if I can beat the price they’re finding for an upcoming trip.

What I tell them:

“I’m very sorry. We’re not a travel agency, and even if we were, we couldn’t find anything better than what you’ve already found yourself online. 

If you want to save 50% to 98% every time you travel, it takes a minimum of several months of advance planning and a little bit of creativity and flexibility. If you’d like to start consistently saving that much on the trip after this upcoming one, The JGOOT Way of travel virtually guarantees you’ll never have to pay full price for travel again. You can become a member of our premium trip-alert service here.

I rarely hear back from them because I didn’t have an immediate solution to their problem. When I do, it’s usually a reply along the lines of “fuck off” or “what good are you then?”.

What I wish I told them:


  1. Get yourself a time machine and set it for 4 months ago (6 or 8 months would be better). Read the free quick-start-guide I’ve emailed you about 10 times telling you there would come a day when you needed to fly somewhere. I said you wouldn’t like the prices you’re finding, and I said there would be nothing I could do to help if you didn’t apply the tips in that quick-start guide.
  2. Don’t want to do the point-hacking thing? You can still save a bunch of money. Use your time-machine to join our premium membership 6 months ago and start watching the mistake fares we send you every day. When your destination pops up, play with the dates to see if something works with your calendar. If not, keep watching. Something will eventually pop up.

Don’t have a time machine?

Well, you know what they say about the best time to plant a tree…

Rant over.

I’ve got to

  1. Send the above template response to 4 more people who can’t find cheap prices for the trip they’re going on.
  2. Pack my bags so I can hop on an $83 flight for a fishing trip that my friends are paying $350 to $450 for.